Growing Good Fruit

Parenting not just behaviours but attitudes

I’ve been thinking a lot about parenting recently: this probably shouldn’t be surprising, as much of my life revolves around caring for my toddler. As her understanding develops, and language catches up, I have been thinking about what things I am teaching her.

There are the obvious things we are teaching her. The bible stories, catechism questions, saying please and thank you. But behind all the behaviour and activities, what attitudes and values am I teaching?

As a Christian parent, I want my daughter to know and love Jesus. I also want that love, that relationship, to be reflected in her life by how she treats those around her. But as I get deeper into the messy and frustrating process of parenting a toddler, I realise it’s easier for me to focus on outward behaviour and how my daughter appears and acts, rather than her heart and what is motivating those actions.

I want my daughter to be a kind and loving person. This means treating others with respect and politeness. But sometimes, it can be easier to focus on what socially signals ‘polite behaviour’ rather than encouraging and growing the good fruit of love in her heart.

I can focus on teaching her to say thank you but can easily forget to teach her to be thankful. I can teach her to wait her turn, but not to treat others as she treats herself. I can teach her to pack away her toys, but not to look after and take care of the good things God has generously given us.

Often, the behaviours I end up focusing on say more about my insecurities as a parent than the values I want my child to have. I want my child to be seen as good – polite, obedient and not a hassle. But I don’t want my child to only behave well when others are watching. I want to teach her integrity that means her values and love for God shine through no matter the situation.

Teaching values rather than behaviour is hard. And often it ends up looking similar – asking your child to hand back the toy they just snatched or coaching them through pleases and thank yous. But the attitude behind it makes all the difference, when we keep asking ourselves – am I concerned with how this behaviour makes me and my child look? Or am I concerned with what this behaviour reveals about my child’s heart and what things I need to teach them, so they are producing good fruit?

I thought it might be helpful to share a few books I’ve read recently as I have been thinking through these questions. This recommendation isn’t necessarily an endorsement of all the ideas and opinions in these books, just that they have been helpful to making me think about parenting and have started some good conversations between my husband and I, and other friends who are also thinking about these things.

Motherhood by Jocelyn Loane - this book was very helpful in thinking through how we intentionally teach kids to love Jesus in the big and small moments.

Ten things I wish you knew about your child’s mental health by Dr Billy Garvey - as someone who studied education and child psychology more than ten years ago, this book was a helpful refresh of some key ideas. For someone new to the area I think it would be a good introduction to big concepts about kids in little bite sized chapters.

She Deserves Better by Joanna Sawatsky, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach, and Sheila Wray Gregoire - based on real research, this book looks at some of the long term impacts of the messages Christian evangelical girls in the States are taught in a lot of churches.